Ferdinand Vanek Award 2017 > The Politics of Groundsman’s Room > The Politics of Groundsman’s Room - extract

The Politics of Groundsman’s Room - extract

The Groundsman’s bunch of keys is the symbol of power. A long string with a snap-hook and 33 keys hanging on four rings. Its rattle must provoke in everyone the feeling of collective guilt for the individual crimes committed on the equipment of the sports grounds. Catch! (throws the bunch of keys behind the board ) And don’t forget! Always walk around with the bunch of keys and provoke remorse!
Pour the eluate into the syphons of the urinals during the busiest time. Lauren Weisberger! (superscribes) It might be a survival’s syndrome, or perhaps a justifiable auto-suggestive paranoia the protagonist of her bestseller Revenge Wears Prada… Ha, and then, everything has a solution, hasn’t it! (throws the envelope into the post box) I can rent the club garage, because we do not need to park the machines for the maintenance of the playing fields anymore nor to store the training aids. “In the training you accustom the players to the training aids that are not there during the matches and they are confused.” – I used to say to the coaches, when they wanted to open the garage – “It might be the reason why you stooped last year.” Since the time a private company bought the club, I cannot overhear through the door the meetings of the committee. But there is a price for everything. Even the loss of the Groundsman’s contact with vague idiocy.
(puts down a catch glove from the wall) A catch glove is no good.  If only we preserved a blocker. I’ve never heard an idiot say “The Groundsman caught me.” But if I blocked him, it would be it. (returns the catch glove back on the wall) The ideal situation is to have some gossip around the building about the Groundsman’s reign of terror.
(moves towards the window with his binoculars and looks outside) Not even right at the boards Chudava’s probe found anything. What relationship can you have to a person, after whom you fill up, let’s say, two hundredth probe, what do you think?
Look, the coach of the B team! He fetched a moss-grown camping table out of the elderberries. A nice example of his stockpiling and of work of nature that asserts itself even on plastic. “This amazing ability to absorb everything will be in the near future the most important means of penance of your sports grounds.” – the postman told me, when I was boasting about the speed with which the cultivator rusts when left in the rain outside of the shed.